


Lord, forgive me for the things I've done, I was never meant to hurt no one

by SilverShadow1



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: F/M, HIV/AIDS, Justin finds out he's HIV positive, Justin lives like he should have, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, implied depression, serodiscordant relationship, there are a lot of dark thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24889192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShadow1/pseuds/SilverShadow1
Summary: Justin finds out he's HIV positive and tries to push the Jensens away and then Jessica, saying he could never be what she wants or needs. She reminds him of how untrue that is, like she does best.ORThe Jensens open their eyes and notice Justin has KS and actually do something to help him address it.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Justin Foley
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	Lord, forgive me for the things I've done, I was never meant to hurt no one

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I have so many thoughts. First things first, the time frame is sketchy here, but you can assume this is before prom. Secondly, while I'm not one to flatter myself, I officially consider this canon. You can skip the rest of this note, but basically I need to rant:
> 
> 1) I wasn't angry at first when the series killed Justin. I was upset, of course, but it felt like an important story to tell, albeit not one I liked, but an ending that could happen. Then, I read ... and read some more ... and then I truly realized how little consideration the writers put into making this realistic on so many levels. For starters, HIV untreated doesn't generally progress to full-blown AIDS for 8 to 10 years and at the absolute most, Justin would've gotten the virus a year and a half prior to his death. Most likely less because acute HIV presents the symptoms he exhibited in most who have it, and in those cases they are 2-4 weeks out from first getting infected. Bottom line, suspending your disbelief is not only a gross understatement, but a slap in the face.
> 
> 2) They didn't stop to consider that Alex would be exposed since Jessica cheated on him at Spring Fling at the end of season 2 and then was shown having sex with him later in season 3. Again, solid writing and social awareness there.
> 
> Bottom line, this story felt like something I needed to write. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did because it's the ending that Justin and Jessica deserved instead of another dose of trauma porn.

“You’re HIV positive.”

Those three words. Seemingly meaningless on their own, but when combined together? A fucking nightmare. A nightmare he should have prepared himself for … a distinct possibility.

He wasn’t blind, after all. He saw the splotches appearing on his skin. Something was wrong for a while and it was more than the “flu.” If he had his way, though, he wouldn’t be currently sitting in the hospital hearing these words.

Hearing that his life was over.

Or at least the life he had grown accustomed to living.

***

**-Two Weeks Prior-**

“Justin, honey, are you feeling okay?”

He stared dully at his eggs. He wasn’t hungry. Shit was a mess - Clay was upping his sessions with his therapist after he set a goddamn car on fire. Bolan’s car, no less. Literally the only one worse would be Dean Foundry, but still. A goddamn nightmare.

Also, he and Jessica were a fucking mess, but what else was new?

“Justin?”

He finally looked up at Lainie. She wore a concerned expression and his stomach turned. He hated seeing her upset. She was the one woman who consistently gave a shit about him and dealt with him at his absolute worst. And there were plenty of worsts.

She cared more than anyone else. Certainly more than his birth mother.

“Uh, sorry,” he grunted, putting down his fork. “A lot on my mind … you know. End of semester and all.”

“Of course,” she said after a moment’s hesitation. “Are you … you don’t look well, honey.”

He didn’t feel well either, but that was his own fault. The fucking detox was harder than usual. Almost like it wanted him to remember how bad it was for the next time, but he never actually remembered.

Until it was the next time.

“I’m fine,” he lied, looking at his hands.

“He’s lying,” said Clay. He shot the other boy a dirty look. “What, you think I couldn’t tell? I live with you, Justin. Your sheets are soaked every night and …”

“And  _ what _ ?” he snapped, when Clay paused.

“It seems like you get a new sore somewhere every day.”

He felt his eye twitch in irritation and kicked his heel against the leg of his chair.

“It’s nothing. Must be a side-effect.”

“I noticed those, too …” said Matt, scrutinizing him. “You don’t get those from the flu, Justin. They look more like lesions than -”

“I said I’m fucking fine!” he shouted, slamming the table. The room fell silent and he exhaled. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“You’ve said that,” said Clay, dryly.

“Clay, go get ready for school,” said Lainie. Clay scoffed and got up, leaving the room without another word. Justin hung his head. “Justin, sweetheart -”

“He’s going to hate me more, you know,” he interrupted her. “I’m a fucking asshole and you treat me like I do no wrong.”

“You’re not an asshole,” said Matt. “You do need to get those patches looked at, though.”

“I don’t -”

“Please, Justin,” begged Lainie. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t say no to her and she knew it. “We just want you to care about yourself the way we all care about you. Clay, included.”

He sat in silence, weighing his options. Not that he had many. Or any, really.

“Fine,” he acquiesced, eventually. “It’s nothing, though.”

***

**-Present Day-**

“You’re HIV positive.”

So, not nothing, then.

“Right,” he said, staring beyond the doctor at the hospital wall. “Thanks for that.”

“You don’t seem surprised,” the doctor observed.

He scoffed.

“You saw my history, doc. I didn’t lie. You just filled in yet another blank explaining how terrifically I’ve managed to fuck up my life.”

“Justin,” the doctor said, gently. “You have HIV -”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time,” he snapped. The doctor shook her head.

“No, I’m not sure you did. I said you have HIV. Not that you have AIDS. There’s a tremendous difference.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he muttered. “At least if I had AIDS, I’d be less of a burden to everyone. Now they get the supreme pleasure of watching me wither to nothing. Or better yet, finally realize that their lives were better before I entered them.”

The doctor stared at him in silence for a moment and it seemed he won, until she spoke again.

“Since you’re 18, I’m legally not allowed to share your patient information with your guardians unless you sign the HIPAA release form,” she said. “However, I strongly advise you to consider sharing this information with them, Justin.”

“Left untreated, there’s no telling how the virus would have progressed,” she continued, “but HIV typically doesn’t turn into AIDS until after about eight to 10 years. This isn’t a death sentence if you take care of yourself, Justin, and something tells me that you’re a fighter.”

He remained silent, staring at the wall with his teeth clenched.

“I’ll give you a few minutes to regroup,” she said, standing up from her seat. “I will come back, though, and there are resources that I am obligated to share with you. Okay?”

He nodded, tersely. As the doctor approached the door, he heard himself call out to her. He hardly recognized his voice. She turned and looked expectantly at him.

“Can you tell them?” he croaked. “I just … they’ve done so much for me. They deserve to know.”

“Are you certain you don’t want to tell them?”

He shook his head.

“They’ve heard enough bad news from me for a lifetime. I’d rather give them a chance to leave without feeling forced to stay out of pity.”

***

“They’d like to see you.”

He raised his head and looked to the door where the doctor stood. His eyes immediately zeroed in on the pamphlets in her hand and he sighed before nodding. The doctor walked inside and he heard more footsteps. He kept his eyes on his hands until he felt a shaky hand on his shoulder.

He looked up and made direct eye contact with Clay, whose eyes were glassy. Immediately, as though the significance hit him all at once, he felt his body begin to tremble and let out a gasp when Clay pulled him in for a hug.

No one said anything as he openly weeped in the older boy’s arms. He lost track of time until he finally pulled back, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” he grunted. Clay went to put a hand on his shoulder again, but he recoiled. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” asked Clay. “You’re a human being, Justin. That hasn’t changed.”

“He’s right, Justin,” said Lainie. He couldn’t look her in the eye, but he heard the emotion clearly in her voice. “We love you. Nothing could ever change that.”

“You’re not this virus,” added Matt, “and it’s not a death sentence. It may take time, but you’ll see that. The doctor already spoke with us about counseling referrals. Don’t,” Matt said as he began to speak, “worry about the cost. You boys aren’t dollars and cents. You’re our boys.”

He sniffed, crossing his arms against his chest. It was moments like these when he wasn’t sure what he did to deserve the Jensens. The people who cared about him unconditionally. The ones who not only put a roof over his head, but actually made it feel like home for him.

“Thank you,” he choked out after several prolonged minutes. “All of you.” He glanced up and finally met their gazes. “You’ve saved my life so many times. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’ll never have to find out,” said Clay, pulling him in for another hug.

***

**-1 Day Later-**

“This is the tenth time she’s called you, man.”

“I’m aware,  _ man _ ,” he sniped, giving Clay a look. Clay appraised him. “ _ What _ ?”

“She’s worried about you. She keeps asking -”

“And have you told her anything?”

“Of course not,” said Clay, immediately. “But you need to. You’ve slept together. She needs to know.”

“You don’t think I fucking know that, Clay?” he snapped, standing up from his bed. “You don’t think I haven’t thought about that every second for the last goddamn 24 hours? About how it could be in her, too? That it isn’t only my life that I may have fucked up?”

There was a knock on the door. The two boys paused and stared at it. Then another several knocks. Then banging.

“I know you’re fucking in there.”

Jess.

Clay sighed, getting up from the bed and walking to the door. The moment he opened it, Jess flew in like a tornado. It’s how she entered every room. At least the rooms he was in - she had the ability to completely upend him in a way that was equal parts terrifying, but also wonderful.

“Have you gone deaf?” she snapped, pointing to his phone that was still buzzing. “Or are you just a fucking asshole? Damn it, I thought something happened to you, shit head!”

Normally, he would fight back a smile at the way she could curse him out while showing she cared about him, but today was different. He just stared blankly at her until she turned with fearful eyes to Clay.

“What the fuck is going on?” she asked.

Clay looked from him to Jess, and then back to him.

“I’m going to check in on Tyler,” said Clay to no one in particular. He watched as Clay nodded at him before leaving the side-house.

“What the fuck, Justin?” said Jess, her voice softer. “Why are you ghosting me? What did I -?”

“Stop it,” he said, tugging at his hair. “Just stop it, Jess. I can't even look at you right now and in the next few minutes, you’re never going to want to look at me again.”

“What are you -?”

“Kaposi sarcoma,” he said, abruptly, and she fell silent. “These patches on my skin? KS.”

After a moment’s silence, he heard a sudden intake of breath.

“You - Do you …?”

“I’m HIV positive,” he said, feeling the bile rise in his throat.

“Justin …”

“Just fucking go, Jess. There’s nothing to say. Except I guess that you should get yourself tested. And tell Diego and … fuck, Alex. And whoever the fuck else you -”

“Stop,” said Jess, and he fell silent. “Justin, breathe.”

He threw himself down on his bed and buried his head in his hands. He felt his entire body tense as she sat down beside him. It wasn’t until he looked at her that she spoke again.

“What did the doctor say?”

“Just that I’m positive and … it’s acute. Which explains in part the night sweats and the patches all over my skin. She said it’s treatable. I just need to do a shit ton of things to make it possible.”

“And you will,” she said, taking his hand. “Justin, you’re one of the strongest people that I know and believe it or not, you’re one of the lucky ones. People care about you and you … you have so many resources to help you get through this period. You’ll never be alone.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for not calling you immediately. I’m sorry for implying you’re fucking around. I’m sorry … that you even have to worry that this might be in you, too.”

“We’ll deal with it,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Like we deal with everything. You know?” He nodded. “What is it?”

He stared at her, blinking several times to try and compose himself.

“Part of me - a large part - always thought we’d end up together. That we’re ‘end game.’”

“And you no longer think that?”

“Jess, you’ve always wanted children. So have I. I can never give you that.”

“Now, I  _ know _ that’s not true,” she said. “Justin, there are safe ways for serodiscordant couples to have children. Yeah, it’s complicated and it involves  anti-HIV drugs and you maintaining an undetectable viral load, but it’s a possibility.”

“More than that, though,” she continued, “you of all people know that family comes in all forms and blood doesn’t change it. Any child would be lucky to have you as their father. And, for the record, I like to think that we’re ‘end game’ as well.”

He tried to stop his lip from trembling and just kissed her knuckles in response.

“I love you so damn much, Jess,” he said, his voice full of emotion.

“I love you, too,” she replied. “So damn much.”

***

**-1 Week Later-**

They could cut the tension in the waiting area with a knife. Sitting there was a group of people, most of whom wanted nothing to do with at least one other person in the vicinity.

He had come with Jess even though she insisted he didn’t need to if he thought it would bring up too many triggering memories. He needed to be there, though. For Jess, but also to speak with the others.

So far, Alex, Charlie, and Winston all went in and tested negative. When Jess told Alex, the boy immediately told the other two even though nothing went further than kissing. Despite his and Alex’s differences, he could respect that Alex insisted they get tested for their own safety and his own peace of mind. He would have insisted the same.

Now, the four of them were sitting and waiting for Jess and Diego to come out with their results. There was an unspoken understanding that they would all wait until the last person was tested. Even Winston, who cared fuck all about the rest of them other than maybe Alex, was rooted to his seat.

Suddenly, the doors opened and the other two came out of their respective rooms. He stood immediately and looked at Jess.

“Negative,” she exhaled.

He felt a tremendous weight lift off his shoulder and leant forward with his hands on his knees. When he looked up at her, the tears that were in her eyes mirrored the ones that he felt rolling down his cheeks.

“Thank fucking God,” he said, and she smiled at him. He moved forward hesitantly and after seeing her nod, he hugged her tight. They just fit perfectly and he never wanted to let her go.

Moments later they separated at the sound of someone clearing their throat. He looked at the others who still stood there to the side.

“I just … I wanted to let you know …” he said, struggling to find the words. He felt Jess squeeze his shoulder in encouragement. “I’m really fucking sorry for putting you through this. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.”

“This wouldn’t have even involved the three of you if Jess and I didn’t sleep together last Spring Fling,” he said, turning to Alex. “I’m really, really fucking sorry. I know that means shit, but -”

“It doesn’t,” said Alex, and he fell silent. Everyone turned to look at Alex. “It doesn’t mean shit. You’re like, probably one of my least favorite people, Justin, but you’re also really decent. You care about people. We wouldn’t all be here right now if you didn’t. We also wouldn’t all have tested negative if you didn’t care about people. About Jess.”

He looked down at his shoes and then back at Alex.

“Thanks, man.”

The two nodded at each other and he watched as Alex and Charlie left. Then Winston, trailing at least 15 feet behind them with his hands in his pockets. The only one left with them was Diego.

“I - uh … thanks. You know, for letting me know,” said Diego, glancing at Jess and then him.

“Of course,” said Jess, her voice full of sincerity.

Part of Diego looked like he wanted to say more, but instead he just turned to him.

“Take care of yourself, man,” was all his former teammate said before walking in the same direction as the others.

“That went … well. All of it,” said Jess. He nodded. “So, what now?”

To his surprise, he let out a laugh for the first time in … he didn’t know how long. Jess grinned at him in surprise.

“Everything,” he said, feeling that spark of hope that kept them all going for the last year and a half. “Life.”


End file.
